Yesterday morning, 12.13.14 at 5:30 am, I hunkered down onto a bench at Starbucks. I was up nursing at 3:45 am (Those who don’t know me in “real life” wouldn’t know this, but we have a brand new (biological) nine week old baby girl) by the time she was ready to rest again it was almost 5 and I wasn’t falling back to sleep – why waste these precious early morning moments? Some days, sleep MUST prevail. Some days, morning time with God, books, paper, pens, and words must.
This morning was the latter.
It has been far too long since I’ve written, I doubt an apology feels necessary, but I’m sorry to those that have asked for an update and didn’t receive one. I’m also thankful to those same people who made me feel like my story, life, and writing were missed and worth reading. This blog and what I share are personal and emotional things, there is an excitement and vulnerability that comes from putting oneself out there.
To be honest, I’m not sure what I want out of it.
I’ve gone back and forth (incessantly) as to whether or not I should continue my blog for me or anyone else. And there are solid arguments for both sides. I don’t want it to take a space in my life that should be devoted to other things; it cannot be a priority at this point. Yet, just because it’s not a main thing doesn’t mean it can’t be something…but finding that balance is hard for me. I suppose that is part of this process: discovering passion, creating balance, growing purpose. And too often, I’m sure many of us feel that if we’re not at the finish line waving our medal for all the see (usually on Facebook :) then we’re obviously doing something wrong and can’t quite get the hang of this whole “living life well” hoopla. This past year has been beautifully blessed, but far from painless. God is the center of my life and my family the most precious priority. Within these perimeters, I want to be the best version of myself to offer up to the very people I love most, and figuring out how to do that is not without its pitfalls. I can’t say I missed blogging, not in that season. There was a lot of peace in simply living life, not thinking of how I might be able to recount an experience later; plus, just trying to stay sane and strong this last year took most of my mental energy. Depending on who you ask might result in different opinions on how well I did either, but I made the effort and knew that I had to eliminate everything that was not most vital.
My blog and writing might look different this time around. At least I hope it does.
I want to write for others, while not writing for anyone but myself. I want to write more confidently, sharing what I feel and not tailoring it to meet anyone else’s needs or be concerned about offending the perpetually offended. I want to be more concerned with sharing a story than the perfect image – literally or figuratively. I don’t want to subscribe to some formula or schedule of posting, I want to write what I feel when I feel it. I don’t want to feel like a failure if I write once a week or once a month, or just let it fall by the wayside for half the year. I don’t want it to hold too much weight or give a false of self-worth. I don’t want to use this as a platform to develop a readership, but rather as a process to become more authentically me. If people stick around and want to read it, wonderful, thank you; if not, no worries, I’ll keep writing for me. It is a transition in my thinking, which may yield a transformation in my writing. We shall see.
See Becca Write. See Becca Process. (hopefully) See Becca Grow.
I have updates, but today, I just wanted to start somewhere. Thanks for still being here.